How to end a relationship with self-awareness, integrity, and grace !

With great strength and despite difficulty, the choice was to end the relationship. Maybe you made this decision with some ease, as trusting your gut comes naturally to you. 

Perhaps you stood at a relational crossroads for a while, weighing your options and seeking counsel from trusted friends and family. Regardless, here you are, choosing this path towards your next unwritten chapter.

The Right Choice and the Hard Choice Can Be the Same Choice 

As we mature through the journey from childhood to adolescence to adulthood, we refine our emotion-regulation strategies. 

Yet ending a relationship at any age or stage in life is hard and understandably shakes the earth beneath even the hardiest among us. 

Even if breaking up feels like the right move, or the only move, the experience of losing someone who was once so significant inevitably stirs complex negative emotions. Shame, frustration, sadness, doubt, and anger, often complicated by nostalgia of your partner, are all feelings that are likely to appear over the course of a breakup process, and understandably so. 

I believe, these emotions are normal, natural, and expected! 

But for the partner initiating the break up, negative emotions can create cognitive dissonance(self questioning): If I am the one ending this, why do I feel so bad? One of the signs of emotional maturity is the ability to sit in paradox: 

• I am both clear and sad. 
• The right choice and the hard choice are the same choice.
• I am a person who strives to be kind and I am a person who's choice is creating hurt to my own partner.
• Maturity is about making space for these competing truths without letting one obliterate the other. Maturity is about - Mutual respect and trust. 

What everyone does in a breakup process is start Devaluing  which is a very easy thing.

For me devaluing my partner, is not my cup of tea, I'd never do that, although break up was her initiation point, but we both understand that we had to break up as there was no way for us to pursue our lives together. 

Jobs, friendships, and relationships come and go with time, but as we move on, we are at risk of belittling those experiences after-the-fact by saying things like, “What a waste of time!,” “I never should have dated them in the first place” or “I’m so much better off without them.” Never do that. It may make you feel a bit better for time being, but time will heal you.

There are a few reasons you may be tempted to reach for devaluing as a coping mechanism after a breakup. 

Often break up happens because of misunderstanding, bad behaviors, no time for your partner, unsatisfied romance or even no support in life. If that's not the reason then why to devalue her/him. 

 If you are ending the relationship because you feel wronged, mistreated, and unseen, your devaluation is a reflection of your hurt and anger. 

Alternatively, you may be devaluing the experience in order to ease the pain of goodbye. After all, how could you miss a relationship that was all havoc and pain? If that was so hurting.

Finally, you may be devaluing your experience because you don’t trust yourself to maintain your goodbyes. For me I am very good at maintaining goodbyes, but in my case with my partner I tend to go to her whatspp window and type a message and delete all that, press her no. to call and then disconnect the call. 

Loving someone can be emotional and sexual, if both are separated and pursued individually, you have better chances of not feeling bad. But in love when you are both emotionally, mentally, sexually involved it's worst than even getting cancer.  

If you are able to successfully squash the positive moments within that friendship or relationship, then perhaps you won’t be tempted to return. But if you fail in squashing those moments, it sticks back. 

I always so always say to "live with sadness, but not live with regret" I know it's easy to say in counseling anyone, but what to do if not said this way, they'll be stuck and will forever be remain back a spot. Love failure always has affected someone in the most horrible way and often it forms regret, for me too it gives a sense of regret sometimes, but i strive very hard to convince myself that it was the best time loving someone and having their presence on our side which  didn't had ever imagined. It should rather be taken as an achievement that we loved, we spent time in happiness and sadness, sharing problems, having those late night chats, those never ending video calls, those single word text messages which often communicated more than that could be said, building dreams on dreams, planning strategically for future, each other helping to be a better human the we were yesterday, supporting those things in each other which often others have made fun of or have us stopped pursue it further, accepting each others flaws and developing our flaws into strengths, that's the beauty of a relationship based on love, where we accept people on the basis of who we are and what we can offer them without having anything in hand. I had this kind of relationship. 

It's not necessary that, you or your partner is the one who is initiating a break up or wants to end the relationship. There will always be situations which are not in our hands, we will never able to control any situation 100% especially in case where our opinions matters less. I am still, grateful that I have got to spend atleast that much of time from my respective partner and at the same time provide same quality time to her. What on earth we could have done if we don't even get that opportunity to have such a great time. 

Look at the positive aspect, you communicated your thoughts, feelings, plans without getting any back question from your partner how awesome it could be to have such a companionship, moreover that to have such a partner on your side atleast a part of your life. Isn't it.  

That's why maturity matters, every relationship has its own age, and has it own time to start and end, that's why it's said own the ouctome not the output. 

For me the outcome is, we improved a lot, learnt millions of things about ourselves, we support our dreams, we were that everything which we wanted to always have, in simple sense output is just a bad experience that break up happened. 

Always remember that, good things are limited, you are limited to your partner and your partner is limited to you. We both are limited edition to both of us(any couple perse). Every beginning has its end, we should own our journey and be proud and be glad about it. 

Three Practices for Cultivating Maturity

None of these are bad or wrong. Coping mechanisms are there to help us get through difficult times. But you deserve to anchor your recovery in something sturdier and more sustaining than denigration. Here are three strategies to help you move on from this relationship with self-awareness, integrity, and grace. These strategies can help you integrate the loss of your relationship and help you prepare for your next one.

1. Focus on your growth. Trashing the experience might hurt the feelings of the person standing in the rearview mirror, but it can also worsen painful feelings inside of you such as shame, guilt, and/or remorse. These feelings can keep you stuck. Replace the question, “Why did I ever choose that relationship?” with the question, “What did I learn about myself from that relationship?”
2. Remember that someone can be “bad for you” without being “bad.” Choosing to end a relationship clearly means that something was not working for you, and your goal in moving on is to create something better. Your former partner does not need to be a “bad” person in order for you to opt for something else. As Glennon Doyle so beautifully states in his book Untamed, “Grace for you, grace for me,” . Viewing your former partner as flawed rather than bad will help you look back on the relationships in a more nuanced, expansive way. Embracing their full and flawed humanity helps you remember your own. No one can be perfect in anyway, we need to better ourselves, and your partner is the only person can help you improve. Make the most of your partner as it's the best partnership you could ever had. I had the best partner, I can say that without even having to compare to other one as somethings which happens for the first time cannot be to matched to the significant other that's why no.s start from 0 coz put to 0 in front of any no. it will have tons of value to any no. 

1. Trust what you cannot see. One of the most challenging parts of a breakup is that you are stepping into the unknown. Will you end up regretting your choice? Will you love again? When? Your efforts to hold a nuanced view of yourself, your former partner, and your relationship will help you tolerate the questions inherent in life post-breakup. Nuance comes when we name the “both/and” nature of life. Your relationship with someone can be both valuable and non-permanent, like mine. It can be both something you miss and something you do not want back, coz having so could lead to more difficult situations from others, and that's the worst situation in which you are asked to choose only one. You can be both scared and courageous as you begin again. Resilience comes when we face our next challenge by remembering what we have already survived and learnt and more importantly what we have gained and yes what we've offered to other person, what you offer is much more valuable than what you take, be it gift, money, clothes, or even food. Invest as much as possible in your partner, believe me she'll give it back to you in terms of advice, love, food, support, which makes it more special to pursue beyond ending the relationship.

The ending of a relationship is one of the more stressful life events we can face. In fact, on the 1967 Holmes and Rahe stress scale, divorce is second only to the death of a spouse, end of a relationship is much worse, believe me I am dealing with the pain, but the pain of the pain loved one is much more cheerful. We knew e'd be in this pain for sure, still we pursued to love and try to accomplish it into marriage unless things got worse and Coping with the disruption and pain is mandatory, not optional. But we get to choose how we cope, how we maintain or lower or manage this pain.

Denigration(unfairly criticizing someone) of the last relationship, while understandable and tempting, is the “fast food” of coping, it's wrong don;t blame your partner for it, think as destiny and think as a choice of your partner as you were a choice of her. 

Focusing on growth, remembering your former partner’s imperfect humanity, and trusting the process will help you heal and prepare for your next. These mature coping mechanisms are more nourishing and satisfying... and will benefit you more in the long run. Who knows what happens in the long run. Coz real love is not on the basis of money, or world views, of based on religions, classification of what you work or earn or what you possess, but it's independently based on respect, compromise and trust.

Respect from the bottom of your heart for everything your partner has good bad ugly worst or even fears and tears, compromise with keeping her in mind coz she's the most invaluable possession I got till date, I can compromise with other things to her, to be with each other, 

trust - becoming a go to person where she can just pass on all her worries and she has a good night's sleep as I'll be take care of all her problems.