Close.... but Apart - How to deal with a break up!

On an average everyday there happens 25000 break ups across the world based on blog by Kavips.

Indeed Love is a greatest feeling one can ever pursue in life but a very few of them have the privilege of owning it till the end. Although loving anyone is not in our hands and would never will be. 

Love is something which happens naturally, like a spark and grows ultimately without doing much efforts. And when things move forward it grows stronger and gives an compounding effect to both as well as the ecosystem. 

Being loved by someone boosts the confidence and gives them a sense of superior belief and responsibility too. Although many people misunderstand what love is, some think it's the support they get from others, some say it's an situation where you can't say no to anyone, some say respecting and obeying and what not. it include all of them and with it also has a strong sense of bonding and understanding and commitment to bring the best out of each other. 

It all looks best until people are in love, it all looks well when people are together, it still looks best when 2 people know when they are to be departed as per their timelines but it is seriously not well when the actual separation happens and you go back to spend your life as you used to do previously.

In this blog I am not talking about but will discuss about the dark side of falling in love and the ways you are to deal with it. 

In any normal break up scenario, it's either the boy or the girl who don't want to move forward citing various reasons, in some reasons, situations are being controlled by unknown circumstances, in few cases parents happen to be the cause of break up, some cases pursuing a career is a challenge, relocation is a challenge, commitment and understanding is a challenge and what not. 

One should always keep in mind that things won't happen the way we want it to be, all we can do is adjust to the situation and make the most of that adjustment.

Imagine the situation, before you even getting into a relationship or even meeting the significant other person your time management, your work schedule or even your priorities and sleeping habits would have been different. Once that person comes into your life or you get into a relationship with him/her your lifestyle changes which would be challenging at first but you adjust to it to the pleasantness of that feelings and the importance we seek and give to the other person. Things move on and you get to explore each other and you tend to go deeper make them a part of your life without even knowing you were into to such a deep situation. Now imagine one of you announces the breakup for whatsoever reason, and that other person leaves you. How's that looks like. 

Suddenly you are empty, lost, sad, tearful, having nothing to do, get reminded of how the usual work days were, think of her/him, struggling to find direction, sharp pain in heart, think of it as some kind of prank, you feel the pain so strong but unable to communicate how it actually feels, not even getting enough sleep, infact finding it hard to sleep, you try to look at that person photo and cry even more, consistently keep thinking what she/he would be doing right now, you'd go the person's whatsapp window, check her status, check phone again and again to see if any message comes, delete her no. and again save no., you try to keep yourself busy but whatever you do reminds of her, you don't feel like talking to anyone, not even watch movies, lock up in room, keep yourself busy in numerous tasks just for the sake of keeping yourself busy and even not getting interested in having food, getting vomiting sensations, getting panic attacks, fidgeting, getting to the lowest of your confidence, developing anxiety, overthinking and what not. The kind of situation is worst than the dead person leaving us. 

 Often break up leaves us sad and depressed, because we are not able to manage that stress and we just can't be prepared that something like this must be happening in future.

I too had someone who I lost, I am also dealing with a break-up, and its just freaking me out. I am so lost that I just can't think of anything else except her. I admired her in whatever she was, she was perfectly apt for whatever she is. 

Often this is the unknown area of love that goes unnoticed heavily, so that we just lamely get to hear from others that "lite le", but how do we make them understand that all I had was her, for a person like me who is too much introvert, silent, afraid to meeting new people, delved into this own world of work books, and silly blogs like this, no hope of finding love in present or future or even not even having an opinion of what kind of a girl is desired for atleast loving for marrying someone. It's extremely tough in situation like this because, out of millions of people we just tend to that one person who loves us unconditionally for whoever we are. 

I always say that, people just put up a fake expression, fake smile in front of others. People often say big statements and things which goes in vain whenever the time comes to perform them. People often say that a particular person is my best friend but the same people would never really agree offer their daughter/son to their friends daughter/son for marriage. If one cannot live upto the task of how good a person is for marriage then obviously that friendship is fake or it lacks trust in it and they should stop terming themselves as best friends. 

The same people offer their children to other who they have just met a week ago terming that it's the match made in heaven, but what they don't realize is the challenge they'd face when performing a marriage with friend's daughter/son is the best deal than the other person who had just entered a week ago. That's a sad reality people don't seem to acknowledge. 

I and my ex-partner were single until we met and we both had our first relationship and also each other's love. The first time I saw her in pink dress when she came for an interview I made up mind of approaching her for relationship some day when the time is right. 3 years passed on then we had got into interaction mode coz that's when we had got an opportunity to do so. 

Although I was internally satisfied with her and always thought of expressing my feelings to her, atleast expressing feeling was my ultimate goal. 

Often while experiencing and looking at others lives we get to understand what had gone wrong with others which we don't wish to experience anytime in our lives and when that list of unwanted wrongs experiences of others increase we tend to lose hope and strive ourselves to get the best for ourselves and at the same time understand the solid reason of what makes a marriage/relationship successful and the only way we get to see that success is with that particular person. For us both exactly same was the experience through our own lives that we could see our relationship/marriage success with each other. 

For me that relationship with her was/is extremely important and special, coz she was that everything that I could expect in anyone in the best form. What makes it more special for me was, that I am the right one that she could ever find for herself and more importantly become first crush too, which she said to me. 

I am very introvert person, very much afraid of people and think thousands of time before expressing my thoughts to anyone, 95% of the time I try to be alone and silent even in group. I had feelings for her but I didn't try to communicate to her but did as much as I can to express through work, activities that could make her happy, conversations that'd give her immense source of inspiration and discussions on topics of problems she'd be facing for a better solution.

Also, I believe if I had to propose her first hand and get her opinion it, I might not be that much happy than she expressing her love for me. Isn't it awesome that the person you've been having feelings for express herself to you. Imagine that situation I was into, I was shocked, my sleep eradicated for a few days, suddenly all my worries went away, my relationship with her skyrocketed to another new level which could never imagined. It was a big thing for me that I had someone to love and also receive same love back from her. I remember that night we didn't sleep at all and kept discussing our journey from first sight to proposing day. 

We were very very clear about that our marriage would be impossible keeping in mind that parents would not agree also the political stints which are on rise. I was perfectly fine with her approach and understanding and also thought that I should be happy that atleast I was considered for her love, which was a big thing for me that too from a girl who I also I love. It was mutual, it went on good and was perfect that we both could aim for. 

The definition that I can rpovide here of our love is that texting the same person all day and night and never getting bored just for the reason that you like them that much.

We had our own flaws, i had many, but still she accepted me for who I am so thankful to her. 

Knowing my reality of income, financial health, behavior, silly activities, relation with people normally, my low skills, my respect at home in society, I didn't dare to ask her for marriage anytime coz she''ll obviously get someone better than me no doubt about it. 

Still she having her own set of experiences and preferences, asked for marriage which was even more shocking than expressing love, not because I didn't want it but because she wanted to take a different route than her family members, and that it'd be better if she does this way and wanted to explore the possibility. It came as a strong source of astonishment and pursue  the route that's not normal.

Saali kamini thi....

Often people term their break up with a reference statement as saali kamini thi..... That happens coz because of someone or the other break up happens and thenother person moves on. That's the part which I hated about the relationships that people pursue on a short term basis faking theri expressions. It's easy for boysnof these generation to take advantages of these girls in the concept of love and leave them. Situations like this have happened since so many years which has made girls become more practical in terms of practicing love and becoming proactive in relationships and become sharp in terms of communication, persepctiiand decision making which we often refer this as feminism today.

But to my surprise I don't even get a chance to term my partner a kamini coz neither of us have experienced such type of behavior with each other although there were stressed times but not like to call for break up. 

Things will absolutely be fine if both partners know their role in their relationship. Unfortunately for us our parents haven't been supportive enough for the fact that it'd be inter faith marriage. 

At the end of the day if your parents are supportive then that'd be best thing you would ever achieve in life. 

Parents of this era often are wrong about their children. Decision making is still vested with parents, parents turn a deaf ear to children when communicating about marriages. 

How would you feel if you've applied for a job but didn't even called up for an interview?

How would you feel if on the basis of your name or religion basis you're just termed out of that job you've applied

How would you feel if you are made incompetent for the job you've applied.

These 3 things qualify for me where I wasn't even given a chance for proving my worth for this marriage. Atleast one meeting would have sufficed for the fact that I wasn't able to convince or prove my worth to the parents, this thing stings very hard every time I think about it. Although, me and my partner realized lately that we'd be fit for each other but were equally convinced that it'd hard and it'd be tough to convince parents but it'd be best of efforts put from our end. Atleast a chance to hear from our end how this can be worked out. 

Many times in my life I've been turned down for being a muslim, In 2016 when the Dadri case of Akhlaq happened, I was shifting to Noida for a new job and started looking for a houses. But to my surprise, I was not offered a home to stay because of me being a muslim, the case was so worse that in one of the interactions I was asked my name and on the basis of the name I was turned down and asked to leave. That's the worst thing to ever experience for anyone, I wasn't asked where I work, I wasn't asked how much rent I'd be paying, I wasn't asked how long I'd be staying back to know the consistency of the rent, I wasn't asked the background of the family I belong to just the thing which I was asked was my religion. Similar to this, I am again in that position of getting rejected for the fact that I am a muslim and my religion is different than of my partner's. Although  I understand how weird it'd for parents to think of inter religious marriages, but taking other things into consideration like work, net worth, intelligence, sharpness, courage, decision making, money management, behavior with people all qualities went shattered basing the rejection on religion.  

Marriages and relationships are all about how 2 people are good with each other, they strive to bring the best out of each other and communicate anything openly without hesitation plus the vision they set for themselves and moving forward to achieve that vision. But still people and parents don't think of these things as the these are the qualitative factors which one realizes only when they miss this quality at the time it's most required. 

Some of the strengths of myself are  I had a strong memory, I am good with different type of thinking which works best every time, and that I've a strong relation with my mother who she hasn't seen anybody with their parents. 

Unfortunately my partner made me realize this strengths and things strengths kill me each day, having a strong memory I am not able to forget or stop thinking about her, I know her no. byheart imprinted on mind, either if I delete no. from the mobile, it's still there on my mind, I remember each and every word of be it 10 years back too, I don't forget people or the interaction I have with them but never did I thought that this strength of mine would pinch me this way. It's disheartening. My mother used to quote the qualities of a ideal daughter in law and my partner was apt for her description, be it home management, strong mindset, beauty, cooking, having a career/vision for self, working professional, ownership of things, communication each thing fitted perfectly as described and now whenever my mother asks about marriage plans I am afraid to having find anyone apart from her as she was/is the best I'd ever get. 

I had many notions of negativity about myself I didn't like my own face, I felt inferior everytime for the fact that I am not that worth with reference to people in my family or in my network, I was very different from the crowd having to live alone even in a group, and ultimately my income. Like in karete or Taek-wondo they break the bar of bricks not with effort of hands but with the internal force of strong mindset, it was that, she broke my all misconceptions for accepting who I am how I can add value to her life and I can add value to her life. Such a beautiful thing it is. 

although before having this relationship I used to say to myself that I didn't any relationship with anyone as I wasn't ready for  it in many senses because my priority was to stabilzie career, gain more and more skills and knowledge, build of confidence and work hard for building things for steady flow of income - I was achieving this upto 40% of what I aimed, making it upto 100% was my goal. And fulfilling all these things  was a task I wanted to achieve and I wanted to give my best version of self to whoever I'd be with, ultimate this relation started and I am able to achieve it upto 80% and its just 20% more to achieve. 

What was so different/special about us ....

- I had many visions for my life and loving someone whole heartedly was one of them. Looking at my family tree and it's lineage I was convinced that there isn't any love for the couples it's just co-existence as they have no other choice to look beyond what they are trapped into. Similar was the case from her end too, 

- We were always there to support each other in the good , the bad , the ugly and even the worst. We often end in worst situations at the same time we tend to realize how filthy we are because people leave us in the most darkest times of our lives. But we did much much better than supporting each other even keeping track of our needs and moods just looking at faces. 

- Often girls are treated as materials/objects who are meant to satisfy the needs of the partner and do things for them. But in our case we did work on her vision primarily, girls are also humans they require self respect, self worth and a continuous strong source of happiness to pursue their lives. I always tried to respect her as much as possible, seek her advice in everything I used to do, make her a part of whatever I plan to do, spend time as much as possible listening to her in happiness, in sorrow, in grief, in pain or even in sadness. 

- The best thing that you can do to your partner is motivate them and encourage them to be their best self and create their own self identity, normally, girls are recognized either by parent's name or by husband's name, for me if I am recognized by my partner's name is the best way of recognition. If you leave a girl upto  her full potential, there'd be no man on earth who can compete with them. It's only because of the shackles created by the society that girls are left behind and many people just can't see any girl moving up in life/career, the reason for this is unknown. 

-    The best thing was that we used to understand what we're going through just by looking at our faces and work on it to make the other one feel normal.

- Although we got to into relationship knowing that we'd be in such a painful situation just for the fact that we'll never be able to find someone like ourselves. We cannot have each other for life but atleast for a few months would give a mileage of a lifetime that yes we did love and having a story to tell to grand children when old.

- I am a great supporter of women who have big dreams, I tried to support everyway possible for making her achieve her dream, coz there's no better way that you can make the person happy by not helping them what they like to do, secondly when you make them able to be independent that's when I'm successful coz she'll live with her skills proudly without any dependency on others, thirdly if you're having a girlfriend and not able to respect her choices then remember that you're also one of her choices.

- we were very good with planning, loving her made me become more confident of my financial planning and management, with her awesome support I was able to invest huge amount in purchasing lands otherwise I was shown a deaf ear with hug backlash that whynisnit necessary now even when I'm not married. I owe this confidence to her.

- This one is awesome, I always stay away from people touching me and especially girls I used to fear them and never wanted to touch anyone except the one I'll love because that's my commitment for the one I'd love and I didn't like anyone touching me. Anyone touches me would make me have goosebumps and feel irritation. But her touch was perfectly fine with me and I was able to feel her touch without any irritation. For me it was like an achievement where I found someone with who's touch I didn't felt irritated or angry but enjoyed it to the fullest.

- she used to hid her information and never really shared about herself to anyone but I really really enjoyed listening her story. Similarly I could cry in front of her, express myself fully, Showcase my plans for future and share my deepest fears achievement and failures which she accepted without any hesitation, for us the best part was that we accepted each other the way that we could overcome our flaws and the best parts we like about each other our flaws. 

Things were great, break up was bound to happen but not the way it actually happened as I always believe things can always end in a better way. 

It's often referred that the person whom we love the most often leaves us. 

I try to counsel everyone in distress, give an opportunity to prove themselves and help everyway possible, but the person who does the above things are often left out without hope.

You're helpful with ideas to people but those ideas are never useful to yourself.

I am trying very hard to overcome this pain, sadness and depression. In case you're wondering how to get out of depression try these things which I'm trying to do religiously

Working ass off upto 15 hours, 

eating lately, 

taking up heavy projects which are out of our area of expertise and experience in workplace, 

spend time working on additional things, 

take up courses, 

talking to friends (in case you've any, I don't have anyone to talk to anyways), 

break things which are of waste use,

Work upto 10-11 pm at night from work eat and sleep,

Get up early morning having half sleep and work on self and leave for work early and same routine.

Your heart will not find rest it's is distress everytime and your eyes will be tearful and you'll not find any interest in working and just be silent sitting at a corner. Don't hesitate to take off and cry as much as possible write and read and agree with what happened in past and be proud of the experience you gained. 

My short term goal was to marry her and work on it but now it's gone I'll have to find another short term goal to pursue it, although this will take time that's why I said having a Vision is important in anyone's life in previous blog. 

It could be possible that you remain the same way without any improvement but should be grateful that I get to spend atleast a part of life with her. I always used to ask her that "will it be easy to forget her", and today I got the answer that it's not at all easy and what is that live if it is forgotten and as my partner said my memory is so strong. Having said that it's tough for me to forget her and move on don't know how much time it'd take.

I am very good with counseling and bringing people out of depression and overcome fears but I'm not able to bring myself out of this sadness.

I always looked upon to be the strong one who wears a smile on face but I'm battling heavily inside my heart. Don't know how much time it'd take for things to get normal like earlier. 

For the readers out there, take this story as a learning and if found useful try to implement the things whichever you feel you can do with respect to your partner and the relationship to work. Never leave communication between you both until the last hope, be there or each other, look out for each other, help out and plan out for life. 

For us both religion did mattered but becoming a good person mattered even more than a religion, for example who can be supportive enough who we don't see in our daily life but we always cherish to have such person who can hold us in difficult times and support to show the right way. Coz if people are shortlisted on the basis of religion then t's worthless as religion itself is a good thing but people don't follow it and their claims of religion turns out to be false coz these days religion is just a term to segregate  people not a way of living. People disrespect religion on the name of unncessary claims and activities, which I hate the most. 

For me the 9 months were very transformative like a baby develops from foetus to a full grown baby in 9 months where these 9 months have left me transformed into the one I'm today knowing what I should be continuing do.

It's been more than 75 days me crafting this blog for communicating the way it should be. It's approx  more than 2 months since the communication between us broke and 1 month since it was officially ended for the fact that she has to pursue her life beyond me and I'm proud that she chose her parents over me as parents are the ones who sacrifice many things for us and taken care of us while we were toddlers and young, leaving them in their old age and going against their will and wish may not serve anyone's purpose and it's only when everyone is happy we should pursue such things. It's just a small sacrifice of our life we'll do for our parents. That's perfectly fine. This pain of separation is also fine. 

Although this relationship was everything for me and pain is an inevitable thing . I am feeling low in my life but I'll not let this sadness/depression make make it lowest point of my life. I'll have to rise again and work on self and the purpose I realized is to work towards greater good.

Dil chor gaya, mujhe bol gaya woh pichle mahine ki chhabbis (26) ko.

123po....

Eyes closed!