Healing After a Breakup !


Did you know that your brain codes emotional pain in the same way that it codes physical pain? When an intimate relationship ends, it hurts because it hurts. We make a bad situation worse for ourselves when we tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel the way we feel. If you’re moving through the world with an achy heart, please keep in mind the following:
  • Pain is to be held, not healed.
Relationships do not leave us where they find us. There is no going back to the person you were before the breakup. Your work is to integrate the pain of the ending into the larger narrative of what it is to be you. Integration happens when we hold our pain—get to know it, stay on the lookout for its lessons and gifts. Pain can make us panic a bit. We say to ourselves, “I am not OK.” Notice what happens when you shift your language to this instead: “I am feeling deeply.”
  • Time + Intention = Recovery.
The adage is that time heals all wounds. I think a more apt expression is that time plus intention helps us recover—it’s less catchy but more accurate. After a big loss, we are at risk of getting stuck. We may play the same tape over and over again. That tape tends to have only two modes: blame and shame. Blame = My ex is an a-hole/jerk/narcissist/liar. Shame = I screwed everything up. Either of these stories is too thin to hold the complexity of a breakup. In the days and weeks after the breakup, your work is to create a story of the relationship that casts you as neither the victim nor the villain.
  • There is no “right” or emotional sequence.
During a dark night of the soul, we crave a playbook—one that helps us understand what we’re feeling and what might happen next. The world of emotions refuses to follow a protocol, so instead of trying to figure out whether you’re “normal,” just stay present with whatever you’re feeling. Remember too that we often feel complicated blends of emotions: sad and liberated, angry and ashamed, afraid and hopeful.
  • Pain and suffering are totally different terms.
Pain is what we feel in the wake of a loss. Suffering is what happens when we go to war with our emotional world by creating a story that we shouldn’t be feeling what we are feeling. We create suffering with stories like this: “The relationship was only 6 months long;” “My ex isn’t worth my tears;” “I should be better by now;” “I am weak for feeling this way.” Here again, the way forward is to relate to your feelings as data—data that is to be approached with curiosity and compassion.
  • Loving again is courageous and has more potential.
Your friends may tell you that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Sigh. Our squad may be full of all kinds of advice, but the bottom line is that you are the only one who can discern when and how you’re ready to love again. Here’s a helpful gut check: What’s the story you’re telling yourself about putting yourself back out there? Is it guided by FEAR or LOVE? A fear-loaded story sounds like this: I have to try and start dating again because the clock is ticking/I’m never going to find love/I am afraid to be alone. A love-guided story sounds like this: I have a lot to offer a potential partner and I believe in the power of love. Maybe you feel a little of both? If so, just make sure you are continuing to cultivate that deep knowing that you are worthy of loving and being loved.

I hope these reminders serve you well, and yes the best is yet to come!

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